Should I Leave My Church? Three Questions to Ask One Another

“We’re leaving the church.” The words a pastor hopes he’d never hear. I confess that as soon as I hear those words, a wrestling match begins in my soul: Their good versus my preference. My discouragement versus their encouragement. My frustration versus their joy in God. In those moments, I feel desperate for God to grant me the satisfaction that is available only through the glory of his goodness and sufficiency.

Whether you’re a pastor or a church member, what do you say when a friend wants to leave for another church? How do you help? Maybe you consider tying him up and locking him in a room so he can’t leave. Or maybe you put a guilt trip on him so strong that he is forced to reconsider.

Another option is to carefully and lovingly ask questions that help him search his own motives. But before you can do that, you need the goodness of God to invade your life, jolt your heart, and free you from any selfishness that would distort your motives. The good news for you is that God is in control, so you don’t have to control others (Psalm 115:3). Jesus is Lord, not us and not our friends (Philippians 2:11). We are free to serve our parting church members and remind them that Jesus is their treasure and guide because he is ourtreasure and guide (Psalm 73:25–26).

The Spirit may want you to encourage your friend to stay. Alternatively, he may intend for you to encourage him to go with your blessing and enthusiastic support. Or he may want you to do something between those alternatives.

Three Big Questions

Followers of Jesus are committed to building the local church, but they are also committed to building up potentially parting church members and sending them out with joy, if that’s where God is leading. Our commitment to our local church is nestled within our commitment to the universal church and the Great Commission to all people groups. When we build up our brothers and sisters, we advance God’s mission, even if that means building up our fellow members as they leave our local church.

So, how do we help them? Once we feel a deep sense of trust in God’s goodness despite our friend’s potential parting, then we may be ready to ask three categories of questions that will strengthen our service to them.

1. Why?

First, we can ask our friends why. Why do they want to leave? Why do they think God wants them to fulfill the Great Commission with another church? Why that particular church? Why has talking to other church members helped strengthen this sense of direction? If they have not spoken to other church members before deciding, why not? You’re not asking these questions to stump them, but to draw out their hearts.

The why questions help people search their motives and discover their deepest values and treasures. Perhaps God is their greatest treasure, and God’s word is guiding them. Alternatively, they may have wrongly clutched on to an idol that is driving them away from the gospel community God is calling them to. The answer is not always obvious right away, but good questions can clarify whether you should encourage them or caution them.

If you think your friend is leaving unwisely or sinfully, you should speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Though you can’t control them, you can give a clear word of concern, your reason for the concern, and a question to prompt thinking. For example, you might say, “I’m not sure you are seeking God’s kingdom first in this. Your reasons for leaving had nothing to do with making disciples until I brought it up, so it seems that the Great Commission is not the driving force behind your leaving. Do you think you’re being driven by disciple-making or some other reason that marginalizes God’s kingdom, glory, and commission?”

Whether you encourage your friend to transfer or you raise a reason for pause, you don’t want her to take leaving the church lightly. The church family she joins will have one of the most profound effects on her pursuit of God and spreading a passion for his supremacy.

2. What?

Second, we can ask our friends what. What did they accomplish at our church? What did they not accomplish? Where have they been faithful as members, and where could they improve?

This set of questions helps our brothers and sisters evaluate their calling before God in the relational context of the church. You want to celebrate the good works God fulfilled in them (2 Thessalonians 1:11). You want to identify the failures and lessons learned from the works neglected (Proverbs 11:14, 12:1). In all of this, you want your fellow member to reflect and gain clarity on his faith and obedience to Christ in the church. This process may help him get closure and confidence in leaving, or it may renew his burden for the church.

Some time ago, one of the brothers in our church left for school out of state. A group of us reflected on all of the ways he helped us grow and thanked him for his ministry as a faithful member. In a more private context, the two of us reflected on ways he could have grown more and how he could serve his next church more effectively.

3. How?

Finally, we can ask our friends how. How can they leave in the most edifying way possible? Or if they now realize they need to stay, how can they reorient their church life to experience Jesus and accomplish his purpose in them here?

Knowing what is left undone can help our brothers and sisters to leave well and to exhort the church to continue to build the church. If they decide to leave, having clear and God-centered reasons for God’s leading will bless the leaders and members of the church. If God is calling the brother or sister to stay, reframing church participation prevents lingering discontentment. Instead, it moves the fellow member toward experiencing Jesus while also moving your church toward him.

One brother wanted to leave our church because he was burned out and had some close friends at a nearby church. After discerning that his reasons for leaving were cause for concern, I cautioned him not to decide based on his emotions, and I suggested that he spend three to six months being a faithful member without ministry responsibilities. He was refreshed and refocused. He decided to stay in our church, and we planned differently going forward so he would have a more feasible rotation and a better mindset about communicating his burdens to me as his pastor. Our church and his family have been strengthened significantly by this sweet providence.

Humbly Ask

So, when friends tells you they are thinking of leaving your church, humbly and calmly engage them in a way that serves them as they serve our Lord. Help them think by asking questions and giving them space to think through their answers. If you don’t, you may passively stand by while your friends make a decision that will stunt their growth and discourage the church.

But if you calmly provoke them to think about God’s purposes in their decision, you will lead them to Jesus, increase their wisdom, and encourage your church family.

This article was originally published at DesiringGod.org.

New Article at Desiring God on helping others who are deciding to leave your church

It often feels like a punch in the gut when a member tells us they’re leaving our church. Here are 3 questions to ask and an encouragement so that you lovingly build up your friend for God’s glory, whether they go or stay.

Read the article here.

How to Put Together the Gospel and Social Action without Confusing the Two

Tim Chester is really helpful on how we relate word ministry (he calls this evangelism) with social action. He summarizes it this way in his book, Good News to the Poor: Social Involvement and the Gospel:

1. Evangelism and social action are distinct activities

2. Proclamation is central

3. Evangelism and social action are inseparable

 

For an explanation see his book or read these two articles:

1. “Social Involvement and Evangelism (Part 1): Two Strong Cases”
2. “Social Involvement and Evangelism (Part 2): How They Relate”

 

To see Tim Keller’s take on “The Gospel and the Poor,” see his Themelios article.

 

Leave a comment. How do you see the gospel and social involvement relating? If you give a reason or two, even better.

What is Church Membership?

Church membership is the church’s mutually understood responsibility for one another’s discipleship, both individually and collectively.

If the church’s leaders don’t understand they are responsible for you as your leaders, or if you don’t understand that they are your leaders, then there is a breakdown in understanding. If the rest of the members don’t understand they are responsible for your discipleship as a church, or if you don’t understand that you are personally responsible for each of them with your church, then there is a breakdown of understanding.

The Bible calls Christians to obey their leaders and calls leaders to oversee the members under their leadership.

Obey your leaders and submit to them, since they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account, so that they can do this with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you. (Hebrews 13:17, CSB)

The Bible calls Christians to watch out for one another and restore one another, even if they have to excommunicate someone as the final course of action in attempting to secure restoration.

Watch out, brothers and sisters, so that there won’t be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage each other daily, while it is still called today, so that none of you is hardened by sin’s deception. (Hebrews 3:12–13, CSB)

If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two others with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established. If he doesn’t pay attention to them, tell the church. If he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like a Gentile and a tax collector to you. (Matthew 18:15–17, CSB. Also read 1 Corinthians 5)

If the Bible publicly calls Christians to submit to leaders, leaders to watch over Christians, and Christians to watch over one another, then they must communicate that responsibility to one another. Once this understanding of responsibility is made known among all parties involved, then that is “church membership.” Call it church membership, partnership, stewardship, covenant membership, or whatever. The label does not matter as much as obeying what Christ commands. Christ commands us to be mutually responsible for one another.

Church membership is the mutual understanding of responsibility for one another’s discipleship.

[tweetthis remove_hidden_hashtags=”true”]Church membership is the mutually understood responsibility for one another’s discipleship, both individually and collectively.[/tweetthis]

Question: How have you understood church membership? How have you tasted of the goodness of God in Christ to you through being a member of a gospel church?

A short 7 sentence meditation today on a story about a blind man encountering Jesus the Messiah.

A short 7 sentence meditation today on a story about a blind man encountering Jesus the Messiah.

Luke 18:35–43 (CSB) —35 As he approached Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the road begging. 36 Hearing a crowd passing by, he inquired what was happening. 37 “Jesus of Nazareth is passing by,” they told him. 38 So he called out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” 39 Then those in front told him to keep quiet, but he kept crying out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” 40 Jesus stopped and commanded that he be brought to him. When he came closer, he asked him, 41 “What do you want me to do for you?” “Lord,” he said, “I want to see.” 42 “Receive your sight.” Jesus told him. “Your faith has saved you.” 43 Instantly he could see, and he began to follow him, glorifying God. All the people, when they saw it, gave praise to God.

Saving-transforming faith comes by hearing about Jesus. Saving-transforming faith desperately “sees” one’s desperate predicament AND “sees” Jesus as the solution. When Jesus encounters the seeker-believer he “saves” them and gives them “sight” to see God, themselves, and the world as it truly is leading to a life of beginning/deeper discipleship and worship of God the Father.

Therefore, listen to the word of Jesus today. It’s good news! Realize you are in desperate need of him today and call on him to save and transform you. He will disciple you and bring you deeper into your joy in God the Father.

What Should I look for in a church?

Questions to ask with hints at answers:

1. Do they believe and teach the gospel message clearly and regularly? You’ll want to hear how they articulate the gospel and what they believe about Jesus’ death and if one is justified by faith alone in Jesus Christ.

2. What do they believe about Scripture? They should believe that it is true, authoritative, without error, and points to Jesus Christ at every point. They should also believe it’s the 66 books of the Old and New Testaments.

3. Do they practice the ordinances (sacraments) of baptism and the Lord’s Supper? What do they understand these to mean? It should be tied to faith in the gospel and not working grace in you apart from faith in the truth of the gospel message understood and freshly believed.

4. What does the church believe? Do they have a doctrinal statement? Is it used? Ask for a copy of their doctrinal statement. If they don’t have one or don’t know where it is, then that ‘s not a good sign.

5. What’s the mission of the church? Is it about God’s glory, edifying and equipping the church members, and making disciples of those who have not yet believed and repented?

6. Will they love you enough to hold you accountable to the privilege and joy of trusting and obeying Jesus? Will they discipline you out of the church if you refuse to repent? They should be willing to do that with great love and earnest pleading.

7. Do they preach and teach from the Bible? Is it obvious that what is being taught is rooted, grounded, and coming from the Bible’s actual words? They should be.

8. How does one become a church member? This will give you an idea of their value on and commitment to those who are committed to them as a local church.

9. How will I be equipped to love and serve the Lord Jesus, his church, and the neighborhood God called me to live in? They should have some general idea that includes the gospel, biblical truth, fellowship and shared life, and partnership in loving those not yet in Christ.

We’d love for you to ask Bethany Baptist Church members these (and other!) questions that are on your mind. Also, if you’re looking for another church in the greater LA area, please don’t hesitate to contact a pastor who can recommend other churches that would help you know, believe, love, and follow Jesus Christ! We pray for many of them in our Sunday gatherings and are glad to point you to them if the Lord Jesus would have you go there.

9Marks answers this same question a little bit differently and it’s worth reading.

Don Whitney has a more exhaustive (and exhausting!) list of questions to ask.